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Tag: FriendsI know, I know… to write something title of this nature and feel, as it were, “blessed”? Clarity is a peculiar thing; so often wanted but equally often uninvited… and then so welcomed when it arrives. We are strange creatures.
For anyone reading I would say either don’t worry and/or don’t take too much credit. This isn’t just about shitty people that are obvious scumbags. They are easy to dispatch and keep at bay. No, when I herald the phrase, “people are trash”, I speak of those very special ones that make fools of us… those that bring out our hopes, dreams and trust and then… well… obviously.
I didn’t come up with the phrase or the inherent truth that it exposes. It was another; one of my two best friends in this world. Ironically this is not the only truth he helped me discover as I found my true reason for believing in God because of him as well though this particular truth I write about? I didn’t quite get it until getting kicked in the teeth three times (almost in a row) by three people that pretty much got the best of me and took a big, steaming dump all over my heart and soul so that they could, more or less, save themselves… of, I don’t know, the trouble, the angst or maybe just the fact that fighting for anything that matters that much was just too damn hard for them.
But perhaps I digress slightly as my plight is my own whereas this larger mechanism is far more dangerous than anything insidious because it really isn’t about bad people doing bad things… it’s about good people doing bad things. This failure secedes negotiation, forethought and the atlas hold required to bear the weight of heavy things like love, anger and passion… this very failure is the reason why people become this way, act this way and come to honestly believe that what they are doing is “for the best” when it is really, simply “in their best interest”.
The struggle, survival and our power to choose is not the test of life itself; it is the gift. It is not the hope in each other or our ability in faith that fails; it is we who fail because we choose poorly… or worse we simply choose selfishly.
I imagine this is not over and though what I say is not untrue… it is also not definite. Nevertheless I’m certain this is not the last time we’ll meet but I do hope and hope that I will be blessed to know better the difference, glance and smile perhaps, and let you (all of you) be on your way…
That is all.
“This is what my people are all about; not what they prescribe to others but what they prescribe to themselves. That rarely, if ever, makes it out in the open. It’s what drives them, it’s what makes them whole and it’s what makes them a part of me; it’s what makes me a part of them. That there is more to them than what others perceive, even in the most positive light, is such a thing greater than the power of that very perception –those are my people, my advantage, my edge… me.” -J. Keys
Caleb’s Journey : On Looking And Going Back
By J. Keys
You know I find it strange in more ways than it was ever familiar to be there… when I go back. I suppose that’s just the way it is for me, my life, my history of leapfrogging from one era to the next. The flagstones, however, have gotten more reliable and stronger too. I like going back but I don’t belong there just like I don’t really belong in any of those other places… and to an honorable degree I don’t want to belong there anymore… it’s a part of why we all leave and move on. I remember seeing people when I did belong there… who came back… almost in this pathetic way… like they wanted back in or to be cool like that again…
I still see those people and it’s still pathetic and, no, I’m not one of them…. nor do I care to be one of them… *sighs* it’s just not my style altogether… and it’s not anti-loyal at all… I’m just against attempting to relive the past or worse… live some part of the past I didn’t get to live the first time. I think that’s what most of the others do and it’s just laughable. That probably explains my consistently temporary journeys to all of those places. Because when I go and do… in whatever capacity… it is with purpose and reason… not to hope on being entertained or subdued by a place that I left for a reason… a number of reasons… many just a part of the natural order of living and growing up. So such are my ways, not fleeting, perhaps in some ways temporary, but always with purpose… and the right ones know this, just as I know this.
Sincerely,
Caleb
Jack,
I think we understand each other a little better from this and I’m glad. Things like this in our lives only get harder and more complex as well as complicated as we get older and deeper into certain parts of life. But either way I believe I’ve delivered a large chunk of my peace that I was either unable or unwilling to do before. And that is my way, largely and in large part with you, which is transmitting whatever I can to my friend that he can use to survive, thrive or extract himself from peril; be that a bullet or an honest word.
Though I roll my eyes at many people who cry “help me” but indeed refuse to let themselves be helped I have matured enough to let this pass over me more and more. It has certainly never been a pre-requisite for you to be my friend. My way is not righteous, though, at least with those I care about the most, it is honest and kind towards its honest end.
I understand, too, your tiredness at, well, everything. I understand how draining it is to tell the same story to the same people over and over and continue to face the same problems, mistakes and same demons that tear at you despite your hope or effort to outrun or destroy them; don’t ever think (or say, for that matter) that I don’t understand. I do understand and I don’t expect to be first in line or that I am the first line for your catharsis… but my remarks regarding information or being “left out” of something are not because of that. They are largely because I get the sense you won’t reveal a detail or decision to any given person, including me, because you are in fact fully aware of the response and/or the resistance you might face. If that’s true then such a thing is incredibly telling, not just that what you’re doing might be the wrong thing… but that you are fully aware of that possibility and purposely ignoring it or what could potentially intervene… to suit yourself. That, personally, bothers me more than anything because it clearly says to me that you are potentially under-prepared for whatever that step, choice or decision is or entails… otherwise it wouldn’t matter at all, to you, what the world view was regarding it much less those you actually consider.
Take the above, there, with a grain of salt –it’s only my opinion. Your decisions are not a strain on our friendship and I’ve always, always given you due respect for your choices even if I didn’t agree with them (and I have indeed disagreed with many as I’m sure you have with mine). We don’t really talk like this much anymore so I believe the strain could be there more than any place. That though this is not much ado about nothing, it is much ado about a loss of fidelity. I can’t imagine us not being friends anymore than I can imagine us not being the best of friends. To read the things you have written here gives me insight into places where the fabric of our real lives has been taken over by one thing or another and calls about some of those things, in the details, that we need to know and exchange because it is the details that made us what we are today; both as survived individuals and as friends that care enough about each other to duke it out –both verbally and physically– and to then get back up to be better and stronger for it rather than enemies.
I have done a poor job of cross-examining my friends in the past few years and therein done a poor job of lending them the kind of prosecution we all deserve and need from each other to help our minds and hearts see the forest for the trees when our blind eyes give no pause to the swinging of the ax. We all owe it to each other; another reason why I’ve spoken what I have. Recent events have opened the door to a greater degree as well, prompting me to speak up in a manner I’ve been reluctant to prior.
Just remember that 99% never gets you all the way there and that the 1% you don’t think is a big deal will pin you in the end –making apparently small differences rather significant. I appreciate, more than even my words can say, that you continue to engage me so; for even though it is because I care my delivery is rarely subtle or soft. Again, to read and know these things, is as pleasing and worthwhile to my life and friendship to you as it also is to, proudly, call you my friend. I certainly would not engage you if the circumstances were otherwise. And though often some things I throw your way may seem so clear when I take aim, trust me, Jack, the world is gray.. and no one understands this better than me.
Sincerely,
J. Keys