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Once
By J. Keys
(written to and inspired by the song “From Where You Are” by Lifehouse)

You can never tell where it will come from, that one thought or memory that suddenly appears beside you in the passenger seat. He rounded the corner, fast, on his way as the cool and warm air rushed through the half-open, front windows. The sky was clear and the sun was high. He wondered what was missing as he furrowed his brow beneath the daylight and panned a view from left to right. The tint on his gun-metal gray wrap-arounds slowly darkened as his head then turned toward the solution.

The sky welcomed itself in as the sliding glass roof moved back. The warmth and glow made him smile and breath in deeply, but also sigh in exhale. He downshifted into another turn while on his way. The engine revved high and the turbo spun and spooled a soothing whisper as it pulled the car forward while throwing him back into his seat like so many hopes and regrets often do. Where he was going began to matter less against where he never had a chance to go.

And there’s the rub. He once thought that it was his way of seeing things, how far he saw them ahead, that separated him from so many; opportunities, possibilities, people. But it wasn’t that at all, really. The truth representing that gap was simply how far behind everything was in his wake as he looked over his shoulder, waiting and wishing that it all could have meant and been so much more. With that last thought and sigh he cleared the final turn away from the boulevard, engaging the ramp and straight away at full throttle… and a yet again empty passenger seat.

Around the corner
By J. Keys

He saw her just as she turned the corner, her presence imparted like the experience of dropping to a soft and wanted surface or a bed longing for one to come home; the impact instant and perfect and amazing all at once as a smile born of bliss and righteousness follows immediately after. She always seemed to have that effect despite the day or the circumstances.

His salutation was slightly broken and elongated, desynchronized by his partially open mouth and even more open stare. She always looked stunning, so “put together” but it never seemed to matter what she actually wore… she had this way about her that made whatever that was look good instead of the other way around. Nevertheless he continued his previous conversation, though with far less concentration than before –something, among many things, she was easily capable of breaking.

It was always that way with her; passing by or over the shoulder. So many times brief but delightful in every moment and every step. Her look followed her eyes, cutting, both stranded and by design while both bravery and fear boiled just beneath her surface contained by the best of all intentions and the truest of all hopes. Maybe he just had too much time on his hands… but that’s where he waited and where he always saw her. Beyond the mind and circumstances, watching, just as she turned the corner.

Across the room
By J. Keys

How quickly does a moment pass? It’s amazing how something can appear, right in front of you, one way and then suddenly present itself in another. That’s what he realized about her today when she walked across the room.

She had a naturally grand way with entrances but mostly she just had a grand way –but either way she was unaware of both. Earlier in the day she stood, leaned up against a table talking to a friend. She wore a short, soft, black dress disguised and somewhat hampered by a rather common looking denim jacket. It wasn’t so much out of place but it didn’t fit… someone so very much uncommon. Just the same to look her up and down resulted much like the descent and rise of a roller coaster just before an inverted loop; filled with anticipation and fear but eventually dominated by the thrill gained and joy received.

Her pace, so often, was typically fast but it slowed in his eyes from every heel to toe as that soft, black dress passed over her skin and fell on her body. Every lock and step was as hard to watch was it was to look away. And it was that moment out of place that fit so perfectly, amazingly and presented in another as she walked across the room.

The weight of it all
By J. Keys

You know what I want to do? It is all things without constraint; a hug, a look a word. But this life carries a weight both variable and constant. There are considerations that are true and perceptions that are so paper thin you could sneeze and dissolve them like sugar in water if not for their monumental reach and unsubstantiated galvanization unto themselves. Reality is indeed a woven fabric but the reality we live in is frail and weak.

And so the clandestine is born. It is a peculiar and most often misunderstood way. It is so many times seen as dark, obtuse and… unknown. But it is a razor thin line that exists within us all… that line between a deceit in kind and camouflage in purpose. Knowledge is a wonderful and powerful thing… but it cannot be undone, for better or for worse. Aside from these facts and fossils we color our world with the best of what we want and the worst of what we’ve ever been. It causes us to judge and yell and forgive and move on… again, we are strange creatures.

Nevertheless, all things considered, there is no harmony or excellence without a balance or dam. This world and so many entities within it have become so truly great… but never without shields, guards and secrets. This will always be the unsung and unappreciated sentinel of continuity that carries the weight for us all… both constant and variable.

Only the beginning
By J. Keys

Every time she moved her fingers through her hair it fell so perfectly. Though she would repeat this process over and over to get it just right -either way he didn’t mind. It would be easy to peg that kind of non-verbal cue as an insecurity but it was really just her softer and more genuine way surfacing. One rarely exposed as it crossed an open point of perception –like a shooting star they happened all the time but are so rarely captured by the naked eye.

And, ah, the eyes… like parted oceans of green and blue stranded by an almost golden brown that danced in the light of the setting sun as they reflected salvos of hope, fear and shy uncertainty –a target surely in mind but a doubt nowhere to be found. She did, however, speak certain of her trials but blissfully unsure of what now, what next and just who this being across from her was and how he came to pass in the suppositions of the aforementioned unknowns. What she hadn’t realized yet was that as young as he appeared his soul was aged far beyond his face and his bones. Deep and dark places share the same amount of light as failures and burning hopes… and he had been doing this for a very long time. Though, on this day, after a heart’s century of song and word and many who had read and heard this reach… someone was finally seeing and listening as no one had before.

“I’m not sure what you’ve done to me…” she calmly and rhetorically inquired as she looked at him from the passenger seat, invitingly curled up but defensively postured.

He listened and raised his chin just slightly as he breathed in through his nose and replied in comfortable exhale, “Whatever it is,” he paused as the moment sunk in for the both of them, “…it’s only the beginning.” He stared ahead at that same setting sun and revved the engine as he turned and smiled at her, the corner of his eye squinting as his mouth grinned, adding, “for the both of us.”, He then dropped the vehicle into gear and drove ahead.

To fall and to climb
By J. Keys

*start track; Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park*

Caleb turned the corner of the rock face, quietly, and saw her standing there looking over the edge. He leaned upon the stone like a street lamp post, so comfortably, like he was waiting for a ride without a care of when it arrived or where it was going. Even knowing his presence she didn’t turn around or even shift her eyes.

Caleb observed her intently and then spoke with a perfect mix of sarcasm, spite and love as well, “I’m not here to save you, you know… “ She stared ahead, across the precipice, occasionally looking down into the deep, yawning chasm as her beautiful black hair danced in the passing breeze to reveal her even more beautiful eyes in the dusk-like light that fought to make its way through the dense clouds surrounding the land. Caleb continued as he breathed the wind-rushed air, skirting about, “…and you’re not the first person to stand there, by the way.”

He shrugged himself away from his lean against the stone wall, his arms folded as he began to pace behind her at a distance. You could hear everything; the air as it caught and captured the jagged edges of each rock line, stone and pebble. Not the least of which was each of their intentions and attitudes to say nothing of the mineral structure they stood upon. The gravel and dirt crunched beneath Caleb’s boots as he walked and the sleeves to his black trench coat scored against its own surface.

He walked to the edge beside her, about six feet away and clasped his hands behind his back in a typical “at ease” position. He breathed in deep through his nose and sighed in exhale as looked down into the collective nothing as he commented, “Well… that is certainly a long way down…” She still didn’t turn to him or acknowledge his words.

“You know a friend of mine once told me something I’ll never forget and it has stuck with me through every easy and difficult time.” Her eyes barely moved to their left corner as he spoke, looking onto the murky horizon. “He said to me that failure is hard but success is far more dangerous. If you’re successful at the wrong thing then the money and praise and status could lock you in forever.” She didn’t move or respond.

Caleb nodded to himself and continued. “You know, I’ve never learned a single thing from anything I ever did right the first time —quite an ironic realization in all that we strive for in trying and wanting to be successful or even free. And yeah, learning the hard way hurts… but it’s the only way you ever really know anything, much less learn anything. Nothing easy is ever worth as much as something not easy. Life isn’t what’s worth the struggle each day; it’s the struggle that makes life worth what it is and becomes.” She only slightly turned her head toward with a look to him like he just said the stupidest and craziest thing ever. Caleb continued to look ahead and smiled with the response, “Yeah… I know… but consider this, ” he leaned and peered over the crest as he kicked a small pebble into the seemingly, endless pit. “The distance between here and there is short enough to answer your question…” Caleb turns his toward her as he watches her watching the pebble fall, “but it’s long enough to think of all the reasons why it’s not the right answer… and there’s no way back.”

*start track; Pocket Full of Sunshine by Natasha Bedingfield*

Caleb stood up, tall, stretched his back slightly and turned around slowly and began to walk away. As he did she turned her head away from the cliff and over her shoulder at him and he stopped but didn’t turn around and said, “Oh, and one more thing, no one in this life will ever care more than you; to do, to go, to stop, to escape or to fight… for anything, from anything.” He then half-turned with his hands stuffed in his coat pockets, “But you’ll never care, believe in or love yourself as much as those around you that want and need you in their lives to do, to go, and to escape or fight the very same things.” Caleb looked down, pensively, and then up again at her, “I don’t know, sounds worth the trouble to me…” And as he walked away, his back to her, down the trail leading to the base of the mountain, he uttered one last note as he and his voice trailed away, “…you can climb down or you can fall down, but you will only chance surviving one…”

Beyond These Walls
By J. Keys

“No Trespassing” read the cracked paint and weather faded sign. Attached to a cold, black, chain-link fence it flailed in the even colder wind that tried to drive him back and freeze him from capturing the beauty that existed behind it.

Barbed wire topped its scale, coated black to match its way and demeanor… but it was so obviously rusted underneath that facade. Whether blunt or sharp it was certainly bitter and deadly, dressed in a tuxedo and top hat. Either way it didn’t fool him, scare him or stop him.

A time or two his hands cramped up and nearly seized from the rushes of blade-like air that struck him from head to toe. His only refrain was to turn slightly as it cut his face like a knife that barely scratches the surface as you nearly avoid death in an almost cinematic slow motion. He then, simply, turned back and laughed, undefeated by the swath.

Any such wall would keep him out but not his vision or will to see the great things beyond it and through it. He continued; from all angles and then moved closer. The metal shook and writhed, trying to attack, but only able to throw a temper tantrum. He let out a sinister and sarcastic laugh as his eye pressed upon the glass and his hand clutched upon its pattern.

Then, stepping back, he stood still, sniffling a bit from the elemental barrage as the setting sun and warmly lit above juxtaposed against this dark defender. He thought it was a waste. Not the device but the very idea. A design so perfectly clear but a purpose that severs more than it serves. Used as a border it defines, used as an obstacle it isolates. He wondered why so many people used them in the latter manor, between themselves and others. Such a wall without a way to knock under a sky to beautiful and magnificent to contain.

He sighed and looked around as cars rushed by and the light upon the day began to fade. Having captured what he came for, he smiled and departed, understanding better and unafraid to return and know more.

Angel,

It’s good to have you back “around” though in your absence, so to speak, I’ve had the opportunity to realize and change a lot… for the better. Indeed, my philosophy regarding “distance and timing” continues to teach me as much as it haunts me –wisdom’s double edge, yet again. My *thinks* resistance to the bullets of this life has increased exponentially. The other kind I simply continue to dodge. The cause for this has many roots that are simultaneously fundamental to this said evolution and inconsequential as I live and breathe now. That is to say it feels much better than good… “righteous” would be more accurate. I find a lot less bothersome and the things that I do, well, they just don’t last in that state very long. It’s nice. To those that see and know me it tends to show in the ways that they’re used to. But, either way, the momentum is there whether it is seen or unseen –such is me

You really made me think when you asked that question. It wasn’t perfectly poetic but it all did kind of roll together. I suppose as such a memory remains, and I grow, it’s a weight worth carrying despite any remaining stigma… or hope. And that has to be a part of it, for better or for worse, otherwise I don’t think I’d care this much or be affected the way I am to create what I did about you (or all things in such a vain)… much less share it out loud. It would appear that, too, my words “we are strange creatures” still holds.

In any event my strength, resolve and heart have grown. Blessings continue to pour into my life. I haven’t felt the ability to say or share that kind of realization in a very long time (despite the fact I have always had God beside me and so many great things given to me by Him). Nor have I necessarily shared such a comment with you. We have exchanged a lot and are deeply connected at the soul level. But I do believe, often, the best has been shown and the worst has been hidden… *looks at her, squinting his eyes with an ever so slight smile* as I can clearly see so that is also with you. *sighs* And I have always known that about you, maybe even above everything else, but I did not prosecute it like I should have… or at least not when I should have.

It would seem that life’s lessons, like history, indeed repeat themselves and that the difference between knowing a path and walking it… is still an inescapable mastership of distance and timing.

Sincerely,
Caleb

Decoded
By J. Keys

He loved sitting across from her, if even just to listen and know what was going on in the orbit of her life. She was beautiful, truly. From the inside out and the outside in; 360 degrees. There wasn’t an ounce of pretension or apprehension in anything she said or did. She was never over-confident and always had just enough fear or doubt to make every word, reason or decision the right direction even if it meant having to learn from a mistake.

Her depth, to him, was quite obvious but yet unknown. Like looking out into the ocean you can see and feel it’s vastness… but can know nothing of what it has to offer in treasure or terror without taking the chance to explore it. That chance he probably would never, fully get… but even from the shore she was like a cool sea breeze that warms your face and gives life to your smile.

He would never suppose or hand her the unforgiving and impossible weight of “perfect”. She wasn’t that at all, but only because he didn’t believe such a thing existed. She fit. She and her heart were the kind that fit; like a Winter coat, a warm blanket… or that ever-escaping warm hug from someone who cares more than anything to make sure that hug makes it to you. What she was to become, tomorrow, was always more incredible than anything she was today.

He knew she didn’t feel like he did but he wished just the same without forgoing to count her, indeed, as a blessing to his path and heart. Regarding such things, this was no longer the unanswered question but a lesson learned and, indeed, a lesson learned just in time.

A Moment In Passing
By J. Keys

It’s always a surprise, a pleasant one. I still remember the first time. She passed me in the hallway on her way out; she always seemed to have her head down, walking in a hurry. She looked up for just a second and when our eyes met it was almost as if we knew each other from some other place or time. Even after that trying to catch a glimpse of her was like darting one’s eyes upon the night sky, trying to catch a shooting star. But what a feeling when you did and that warmth and stride filled your view.

One day I got to help her and a new door opened up. That’s how it goes when you do such a thing. It is the nature of serving or a kind thing –you get to see a part of someone you couldn’t see before. There’s one less thing in the way, one less question or doubt that keeps those doors closed most of the time. And to begin to see this in others, as I get older, seems an increasingly rare phenomenon.

Anyone can be smart but she crosses over into clever. There is a thoughtfulness that goes into wit delivered with such… flair. It speaks to someone’s depth; a measure far beyond what shows up on paper or in their human resume of experiences. In that vein her way and heart aren’t hard to reach but like any unknown path, most times, they’re just simply not that obvious. But her eyes and smile will give them both away if you can find them first. Either way it’s always a surprise, a pleasant one.

Her Smile
By J. Keys

Caleb sat and watched, as always. Among the crowd made of both sewage and serenity there was nothing not worth observing. Such a thing is a power, not an act or function of the senses. To see something is to simply notice it; to observe it is an attempt to pierce it with understanding and prowess. It was her smile that paved the way…

She had a look that was cutting but a way that was conversely comfortable; like layers of warm blankets and pillows among the cold but precise beauty of white snow and freezing wind. To discover one suddenly complimented the other –no matter what the order.

She’s not difficult but to say she’s easy would be an insult. The parts that reside deeper aren’t hidden or locked but they require the seeker to never look back if they choose to go forward. It is in this manner that exposes the honorable and unworthy without the need for guards or towers. A manner that is alien to Caleb which, among other things, is partly what makes her so… to him.

Most people either sway or move in this life of rain and sunshine but she just flowed. Most of us in this place have to dodge the bullet –she just smiled and waved as they passed by; a smile that, indeed, paves the way…

Engraved Silence
By J. Keys

He moves like the dark, you know. Like that way in which the daylight is fleeting and escapes almost without us even realizing it. While we are too busy, he moves. He has this meticulous and almost invisible nature about his presence. And he never hurries, he just seems to glide with surety like a breeze that moves over the water in a lake –all you see is the momentary ripple before its force brushes over your face as you wonder where it came from as much as where it went. He walks without the fear that we feel and with a terrifying destiny in his step. Being in his path isn’t the problem, being at the end of that path is…well, like the dark.

Forced
By J. Keys

What a slanted day I faced
Bright then dark
Warm then cold

And this thing
This shooting rod
Beneath my atlas hold
Worse than the weight
Like a test or a crucifix
I felt it
But I kept it held
Beneath my atlas hold

So through the day
The sky
And the rain
I wondered and remembered
Of what I really wanted
Of what I maybe lost
Back there… somewhere

And I miss that place
Those places
Where I could hear nothing
Where I could hear everything
The cold sentry at the back gate
The warm empty open at the shore

Yes they were different
But they were both places I could go
Places I could be
Places that I was
Where there was nothing
Where there was everything

I think today though
Far from those cliffs
Where God’s whispers flow
For the first time
I didn’t just ask for something
I discovered what I need
Idle under the weight
Forced by the pain
Within a slanted day
For the first time